who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
