it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
