I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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