...so i touched it.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
