so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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