I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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