Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
