You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
