I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
