I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
