The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
