I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
