I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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