i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
