it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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