I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
