I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
