Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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