i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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