My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
