Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
