I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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