my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize