my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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