you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
