I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Randomize
