She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
