so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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