Kiss
Puke
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
