the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
