Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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