remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
no, he came in my armpit
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
