maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
