Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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