I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
