I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
