I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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