He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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