End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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