Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
