theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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