After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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