All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
