margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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