His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
