he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
