There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize