i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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