Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
