he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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