his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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