I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
