Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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