The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
