I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
