My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
