I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
