I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize