She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
