and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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